Dissolving the patriarchy through men's emotional processing

💧"dissolve the patriarchy" is a phrase I've been exploring recently, to express what I feel is happening as I process my trauma & hold space for other men to process theirs. Deeply sacred work.

QC @QiaochuYuan · Nov 9, 2019

"toxic masculinity" ❌subtly implies masculinity is toxic ❌encourages fear, hatred, shaming ❌divisive: little "toxic femininity" "traumatized masculinity" ✅recognizes trauma as cause, not just effect ✅encourages compassion, grief, healing ✅unifying: we are all traumatized

Dec 8, 2019

The "dissolving the patriarchy" metaphor is very vivid for me: much of my trauma work so far has involved a lot of sobbing, so the tears are the solvent. (I'm using the NEDERA process from Bio-Emotive/@DougTataryn, which tends to involve a lot of crying)

QC @QiaochuYuan · Oct 19, 2019

just checked again and, yep, sobbing is still great still can't tell if i'm more traumatized than most people or just less inclined to shut up about it

The cultural norms against expression of emotion in men (except anger) is created by trauma, and then it blocks that very trauma from being healed.

QC @QiaochuYuan · Oct 24, 2019

@AdeleDeweyLopez @Malcolm_Ocean @DavidDeutschOxf one way the trauma system might update, which might have happened all the time to premodern humans, is if one day you cried a lot about how much your dad beat you. but maybe your dad also beat you for crying, and now that healthy trauma processing is cut off

(though I don't really like the term "trauma"; I mostly think in terms of emotional unlearning)

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Oct 25, 2019

@nosilverv @QiaochuYuan @DougTataryn Oooh yeah. "We all have lots of things to unlearn" lands very differently than "we're all traumatized". Although... advantages to the latter, too. Emotional (un)learning has major differences from other kinds, it seems.

Many different methods to unlearn these traumatic & trauma-inducing emotional schemas. This book 👇 talks about neuroscience & practice. It necessitates creating space, beyond shame, for these experiences to surface emotionally, including crying.

QC @QiaochuYuan · Oct 16, 2019

in conclusion i stayed up until 3am last night to finish reading Unlocking the Emotional Brain, i swear to god they're not paying me to write these tweets i just love this book so much 😭 just look at this truth bomb, i've never heard anxious attachment described like this

It seems very clear to me that the nonviolence of the metaphor "dissolve" is structurally necessary for any change-attempt to actually creating something other than the patriarchy. Otherwise it's just "le roi est mort, vive le reine"

Richard D. Bartlett @RichDecibels · Dec 8, 2019

Trying to smash patriarchy is like trying to shop your way out of capitalism.

Relatedly, "patriarchy" itself is also a word that in many contexts is counterproductively polarizing, even though it's pointing at something important and worth using in other contexts.

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Dec 2, 2019

@ConceptualJames Unfortunately, up a level of abstraction, Einstein qt “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” obviously applies to climate change incentives, and the only language most ppl have to talk about this is politically polarized (eg patriarchy).

...somehow I forgot to put any sobbing emoji in this thread. What was I thinking?   😭😭😭😭    😭😭😭😭     😭😭😭😭      😭😭😭😭 Also if you resonate with anything in this thread & don't already follow @QiaochuYuan, do that. It's kind of his thing.

QC @QiaochuYuan · Oct 19, 2019

just checked again and, yep, sobbing is still great still can't tell if i'm more traumatized than most people or just less inclined to shut up about it