An all-caps live processing of a frustrating, stuck day

IAAAARGH TODAY HAS BEEN VERY BLHUGHG

QC @QiaochuYuan · Mar 11, 2023

in conclusion: IF YOU'RE STUCK TWEET IN ALL CAPS, DON'T SECOND-GUESS IT, DON'T EDIT, DON'T FILTER

Mar 15, 2023

SOME CONTEXT

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Mar 15, 2023

@QiaochuYuan @sonikudzu ugh, yeah feeling the burn especially today when my whole day got derailed by my monitor getting confused in a way that resulted in me being unable to position its pixels relative to my laptop pixels where they actually are in space (above) may need to reinstall my OS 😩

MY FACE FEELS TIGHT MY SHOULDER IS TIGHT... SORE... HOT... TENSE... IDK THE WORD, BUT MY SHOULDER IS SHOULDY IT'S SHOULDY

I WANT TO SLEEP BUT I WANT TO DO THINGS BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN OUTSIDE TODAY I GOT WAYLAID BY MY COMPUTER BEING SLIGHTLY BORKED AND BY MY OWN REACTION TO IT AND BY TRYING TO HAVE IT NOT BE MY JOB TO FIX IT

I HATE WHEN I HAVE STUFF THAT I'M STUCK WITH THAT FEELS LIKE IT SHOULDN'T BE MY JOB BUT THERE'S NOBODY ELSE WHO'S WILLING TO MAKE IT THEIR JOB GIVES ME "I DON'T WANNA" VIBES youtu.be/Tr4exOYqSLk

SOMETHING IS FLOWING WITH THE ALL-CAPS, SORTA MY SHOULDER IS STILL SHOULDY

I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN ALL-CAPS MOOD BUT HERE WE ARE, IT'S GOT THE JUICES FLOWING

WITH ALL-CAPS I FEEL LESS INCLINED TO FILL ALL OF THE TWEET WITH A BUNCH OF CAVEATS AND CLARIFICATIONS AND NUANCE NUANCE THAT, TO BE CLEAR, I LOVE AND AM GLAD TO BE CAPABLE OF, AND FEEL LIKE IT'S SOMETIMES A RESOURCE THAT I BRING TO THIS SPACE PRECISION

i feel really sad and frustrated right now and i don't even quite know why i'm tweeting this

i liked something @QiaochuYuan said about puzzle pieces and about how he feels like at any given time a given person has something that needs to be unlocked and he sometimes scrolls twitter looking for it then realizes he needs to write it himself

@QiaochuYuan i feel weirdly stuck even as a lot of things feel really good and that's not just about my computer being stupid altho for the love of christ it doesn't help

i sometimes feel trapped in my own face, my own voice, my own mindbodypersonashapepersonality and i don't know how to get out, and i feel scared

i feel like a weird mess and my fingertips are cold and maybe this room is cold and my love is sitting on the bed reading and there's some funky music playing that came on the autoplay after barenaked ladies and my shoulder is still shouldy but less than before and feel sad

that felt good. observing and naming felt good

@QiaochuYuan you're some weird and important kind of inspiration for me i am after the scent of some sense of honesty or forthrightness or something, and i feel like you're doing it

i know how to be earnestly interested in things, or something to be earnestly excited, to be earnestly vehemently saying "what if we made it good tho!?!" and i know how to feel things sometimes

but there's this huge big piece of something else this has something to do with it

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Mar 15, 2023

> "right speech... you listen to the sound of your own voice, as you’re speaking, as if you were listening to another person" x.com/QiaochuYuan/st…

@utotranslucence has been trying to say something about this to me a bunch for awhile i said to her some weeks or months ago "i haven't been being honest with you... not that i've been lying, but there's... something... i'm not letting you into"

but i'm sorta not letting myself into it either? i don't know shoulder still shouldy, some tears on my face from this lil xchg w qc

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Mar 15, 2023

@QiaochuYuan 🥲🥹 my inner you was already saying that or i wouldn't have made it this far

suddenly aware that i keep getting these urges to say "i'm sorry" and i don't know what for like this has been randomly happening every few weeks or months for a year or more

sometimes people talk about emotional constipation i feel like i have emotional food poisoning or something and i'm trying to throw up

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Dec 16, 2021

“Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender, my need for God absolutely clear.” — Hafiz

this wanted to be its own tweet

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Mar 15, 2023

i want to cry and by cry i mean puke

sometimes the world seems so perfect and makes so much sense and then sometimes it seems to tangled and messy and dull and maybe that's all true simultaneously

QC @QiaochuYuan · Feb 25, 2023

the mealy-mouthed thing to say here is these stories are true "in some sense" or they have "a kernel of truth" or whatever. but this doesn't register for me. it feels more true to me to say that they are just all true, simultaneously. everything, everywhere, all at once

what the fuck is this. this tweet had an alternate ending that i forgot about til now that was something like "and this is all fucking HAPPENING? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?"

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean · Mar 15, 2023

i feel like a weird mess and my fingertips are cold and maybe this room is cold and my love is sitting on the bed reading and there's some funky music playing that came on the autoplay after barenaked ladies and my shoulder is still shouldy but less than before and feel sad

noticing my shoulder shoulding again but maybe it's been the whole time and i just wasn't looking

i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't tell you i'm sorry i didn't make it i'm sorry i was late i'm sorry i wasn't there i'm sorry i'm so much i'm sorry i'm fine i'm sorry i'm not listening i'm sorry i'm sorry i wasn't where you wanted me to be i'm sorry i wasn't ready i'm sorry i'm sorry

i'm sorry i wasn't enough i'm sorry you weren't enough i'm sorry i told you i'm sorry i didn't know how to tell you i'm sorry you kept asking me i'm sorry i tried i'm sorry i believed you i'm sorry i stopped there i'm sorry i went so far as to do so much to do look more like

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't know i still don't i don't know who you are i don't know if you're listening but i'm sorry i am confused and scared and i'm sorry i didn't mean it i'm sorry i didn't mean it i'm sorry i didn't know how to mean things

i didn't know what meaning things meant it wasn't safe to know i was just a boy i don't know who i am

i'm trying or at least i'm supposed to keep saying "i'm trying" that's what you say, right? that's what trying is i'm sorry i'm trying to look like i'm trying

someone a long time ago apparently convinced me i need to look like i'm trying otherwise bad otherwise mad

i am here to share my confusion with the world rn and to share the world with my confusion

QC @QiaochuYuan · Mar 12, 2023

assume by default that the function of every tweet is just to spread whatever vibe / energy / emotion the poster is feeling at the moment, whether the poster knows it or not. this should be the null hypothesis, so to speak. content is largely irrelevant

quoting @the_wilderless: I used to convince myself that by constantly dragging every positive conversation back to darkness, pessimism, & horror, I was doing some sacred duty to keep things grounded(???) Now, it’s p clear that I just felt like shit & wanted to affirm I was Correct to feel that way

i like you too much to keep you on the outside and yet here we are i'm scared of you too much to let you on the inside ...nope, that's lies. i'm... scared of me too much to let me out? what even is this thing?

i don't know where i'm going with any of this but it feels better out than in i'm brushing my teeth jess is reading my thread i'm going to bed in a moment