the first two things to disambiguate: 1. good at parenting in general 2. good at parenting *with you* to be clear, even the first is "according to your values"! the second is about the way the two of you are capable of working together
How to tell if someone will be good at parenting with you
9 tweets · August 2024 · 112 likes · 1 retweets · read on Twitter
a few basic points re "good at parenting in general": 1. what's the texture and strength of their nurturing love in your connection? do you feel supported to grow/heal? 2. watch them with friends' kids 3. notice how they handle stress ...and then just notice how all that feels!
parenting involves tons of tiny tradeoffs (literally hundreds each day!) of who does what. so: are you generally making those in ways that feel right? or constantly building up "ugh why didn't he help me" / "ugh why couldn't she do it herself?"
one way to solve that, broadly speaking, is to be happy with a very substantial division of labour, traditionally by sex. that at least keeps it from feeling like you're constantly making bad trades. you make one big trade, and as long as you're into that, you sort out your half
but in any place where that question isn't pre-answered, you're going to need to be able to navigate it together, and the smoother you navigate it, the better everything will feel. each moment of helping will feel joyful because it benefits the whole more than it costs you!
and this builds up a surplus in the whole, which then wants to help you out in specifically the moments when you most need it! (because that's where the biggest further surpluses are possible!) you can TELL it's what you collectively want (@nosilverv tweets, originally public)
of course, you're going to make errors in navigating this. the important thing is not getting it right 100% but being willing to readily note, to yourselves and sometimes each other, eg "huh, that ask for help was actually unneeded, and you were doing something important. sorry"
there's solo skill here, but also people have different styles for how to navigate conflict resolution here, and you want someone with whom it feels easy and satisfying to sort out these "whose job" questions!
example of calibration: just now I was assisting breastfeeding (mum & baby very much still learning!) and I was like "fine for me to go pee?" and she said nothing, which I took as a "no". but if I'd been like "😬 I really gotta pee!" then it would have been next unless something…