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Being loved well as attachment healing

7 tweets · April 2024 · 602 likes · 21 retweets · read on Twitter

people be like "heal your attachment stuff so you can get a partner" and like sure but honestly the thing that healed me most was my now-wife wanting to marry me

important clarification: (she's so fucking good at loving. me in particular, but also it's mad skills)

•Freyja• @utotranslucence ·

As the wife referred to here, I wanna clarify that from my point of view, me wanting to marry him -combined- with not tolerating his attachment shit (and yet still loving him) was the key. Not simply the wanting to marry, but also demanding/requiring secure attachment together.

quoting @Malcolm_Ocean: people be like "heal your attachment stuff so you can get a partner" and like sure but honestly the thing that healed me most was my now-wife wanting to marry me

we were talking just now about this and found it hard to articulate the moves she made ...welcoming & embracing the reality of someone else's attachment fears-etc, while sculpting the relational landscape so those fears don't get to run the show and generate tangles/oscillations

some people are interpreting this as sort of like "well now you need to find love in order to heal" and... maybe? I didn't say that was the only way to do it. what I wanted to highlight is that healing is not necessarily a prerequisite to finding love!

Elena Lake 🌿 @relic_radiation ·

@Malcolm_Ocean hey thanks for the prompt! I'll mull on it. my big block was, until 1mo ago I was stuck behind a belief "idk maybe I'm too relationally un-healed or don't have my life together enough to do life partnership now" but then I read this tweet x.com/visakanv/statu…

quoting @visakanv: i'm happily married 10+ years with a wife and son who love me and i have none of that shit together lol. this is the "shiny lure" class of advice i was talking about. ime the only thing you actually need in a relationship is to know/learn how to relate to each other healthily

in other words, solid compatibility and some amount of complementary skill can mean that you don't have to have your shit together as an individual in order to become a unit that has its shit more together

Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv ·

i'm happily married 10+ years with a wife and son who love me and i have none of that shit together lol. this is the "shiny lure" class of advice i was talking about. ime the only thing you actually need in a relationship is to know/learn how to relate to each other healthily

quoting @LeArielleSimone: my hot take is i don’t think anybody should be dating until their shit is together. eating healthy, working out regularly, having a morning routine, a spiritual practice, a therapist, financial discipline. things like that have to come first.

see also: my upcoming course on how to navigate the dance of compatibility and find a robust answer to "is this a fit for life partnership?" or: how to get closer and further away as appropriate, without that spiraling into attachment oscillation panic mating.nonnaivetrust.dance

put another way:

ali @alitaylor ·

i could not more emphatically discourage you from believing that you must fix all your issues before getting into a relationship. a good partner will hold answers you can’t reach on your own