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Being able to laugh together as the standard for resolved conflict

10 tweets · May 2024 · 94 likes · 5 retweets · read on Twitter

my standard for what it means for a conflict / rupture to be resolved between parties is that they can laugh about it together, easefully, without an edge

conflicts you can't laugh about are conflicts you're not sure aren't a threat to the relationship

sometimes the only way to get to being able to laugh about something is by having way more distance from each other eg breaking up, quitting a job, leaving a group house

💯 one-sided laughter is not at all the resolution I'm talking about in fact, it's further from it—progress from onesided laughter looks like the laugh-er seeing the way in which it's NOT funny... taking the rupture seriously

the laughter is a sign that the situation has come to a place where the meaning-making isn't full of jabs and stabs and guardednesses

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean ·

part of what it means to get someone's joke is to deeply accept their meaning-making, letting it into your own, and allowing them to play with meaning it's a kind of trust or something, I think letting one's guard down, letting someone fool you

the alternative is to have things you can't freely talk about, parts of the relationship where play is not safe

Guy @nosilverv ·

@QiaochuYuan yes, YES! You have to go ALL the way down and deep and solve at a deep level. People don't trust they can do this so they 'move on' and 'patch' but those are just epicycles on the relationship and eventually it implodes 'out of nowhere'

a nuance here: if you are in fact trapped with the person, and you can recognize this, then it IS possible to forgive without getting space. it's when the space COULD be gotten but you're not letting yourself that bitterness grows

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean ·

sometimes the only way to get to being able to laugh about something is by having way more distance from each other eg breaking up, quitting a job, leaving a group house

in this sense, all hatred is downstream of confusion

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean ·

the main defining characteristic of hate is a feeling of helpless trappedness

also this is why it's always possible to forgive yourself

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean ·

if you have not forgiven yourself, you are confused about who you are

it's hard to laugh about a situation that you're only still in because part of you is strongarming another part of you

Malcolm Ocean 🏴‍☠️ @Malcolm_Ocean ·

if you're living inside a choice you made half-heartedly, then you're in a state of nonconsent with your life situation