the premise of my Mating Dance approach to courtship is the idea that there's always a right distance between two people, and that if you get closer than feels right then you'll be a jerk or resentful or something. TL;DR: don't do that.
Mating Dance: keeping the right distance while escalating intimacy
18 tweets · May 2024 · 310 likes · 5 retweets · read on Twitter
but concretely, how does that work? one principle is that if something feels off... slow down. escalate slower or not at all. and if it keeps feeling off, back up.
two reasons for that. one is that otherwise if you do eventually commit, you'll basically be committing to the off feeling. and there are tradeoffs, but you want to be stepping into them consciously, not grudgingly accepting them since you seem to have already implicitly decided
the other reason is that if something feels off then something IS off. you don't know what it is, but it matters to you because it's part of you, and that matters in each moment, not just as an eventuality
another concrete specific suggestion is: if you have an unresolved conflict at your current level of intimacy, don't escalate intimacy until you've resolved it.
different couples will fight/resolve differently. some do it hot with some shouting (🥵❤️🔥) some do it slow & calm with emails & docs & diagrams (✍️💟) either can be healthy if it works for both of you and you reach a satisfying resolution!
if you move in, without resolving... the political argument from your 2nd date or the fight when you missed the train or the scene she embarrassed you or the time he was contemptuous you make it more important AND more difficult to get that ease
a third heuristic: if you discover that a past experience that built trust wasn't what you thought it was, allow that surprise and dismay to create more distance until the person feels acceptable again
don't keep someone in your heart 💘 then complain at them for not being qualified to be there! you let them in, mistakenly, so show them the door and tell them you'd love to have them back if/when that feels right
and if you're in the other role, you may need to be the one to step out of their heart "it seems like I no longer seem to meet your criteria for person you're happy to have as boyfriend, so I'm going to stop asking you to see me as your boyfriend. we'll see if I can requalify"
warning signs ⚠️ 😠🫸 you feel default-annoyed by them and want them to be further away 🍽️🗳️ you're fighting over little things, and those fights feel like a referendum on the relationship 🥰🫂 you don't feel simple joy that they're as close to you as they are
if you're not married, & those signs are present, then I'd encourage you to see the default future as one where you break up. maybe you can sort these out, but if not, do you want to commit to these things being true of your relationship forever?
but you may not have to go all the way to a breakup. you just need to back up far enough that you can fully accept the person being as they are, and vice versa. then those signs should reverse! then you can address conflicts, and see if you can find a NEW closer that feels good!
in some cases merely acknowledging the reality of the dealbreakeriness of present conflicts might be sufficient "backing up". it makes it clear the courtship is default-no instead of default-yes, which eases certain pressures in other cases more substantial distance needed.
in summary: find the right distance between you and whoever you're dating/courting, so that you aren't subconsciously jabbing each other & threatening to end the relationship feels off -> slow down conflict -> resolve before escalating disillusionment -> remove from heart
I made mistakes on all 3 counts in the confused courtship that led to me having a first marriage which was painful & kinda traumatizing for both of us, a ton of work for both of us, and that I ultimately left when I realized I had no positive vision for it I could get behind
for much of that relationship I was a jerk. it's easy to assume it was because I am some sort of intrinsic jerk, but I was trying real hard to not be a jerk and I was still a jerk now I'm in a new relationship where it's easy to not be a jerk. the jerkness was tryna get me out!
if you're interested in exploring these ideas & principles in relation to how they apply to your own life situation there are a few seats left for my online course on listening to yourself during courtship, starting next week! mating.nonnaivetrust.dance/?tw=jerk