Man, I'm feeling... heavy. There's something big in my system and I have a few hazy senses what it's about, but I don't know how to move it. I think I'm allowing in a lot more awareness of it than I usually would have though.
8 tweets · December 2020 · 21 likes · 0 retweets · read on Twitter
Man, I'm feeling... heavy. There's something big in my system and I have a few hazy senses what it's about, but I don't know how to move it. I think I'm allowing in a lot more awareness of it than I usually would have though.
One of the things I've been working on with my Coherence Therapist is the recognition that I've had a kind of distraction energy that comes in over top of a kind of more panicked thing, and that feels a bit related here.
A surprising realization we had in the session yesterday was that while the internal effect of the distraction is that I don't really notice the panic... ...there's actually a sense in which the distraction is maintaining the same sense of helplessness as the panic embodies!
I've got schemas—some from childhood, some more recently—that say something like "if I actually get panicked, people will be angry at me or push me away, or freak out, so I need to find a way to exhibit helplessness that's less threatening" ...apparently that looks like collapse
but of course, being someone who has a ton of energy, collapse doesn't look like a flop (usually) it looks like being kind of scattered/overwhelmed/all-over-the-place a kind of drowning feel, which resonates with something that I've often felt meditating
anyway, so I can kind of feel myself at the edge of a lot of that feeling, and it feels pretty scary and there's also a meta-observer that's present, and kinda just curious how things are going to play out
the feeling is pretty aversive. I don't like it. that's okay. I don't have to like it