we deliberately kept our vows very simple and close-to-traditional because we wanted to be clear that we were vowing one thing: to be married —knowing that our interpretation of what that means and how to best achieve it will change, as we learn & are influenced however!
Simple marriage vows built on the eight worldly winds
13 tweets · April 2024 · 131 likes · 0 retweets · read on Twitter
we DID have very unconventional and personalized "declaration of intent", which is the earlier part of the ceremony where all parties to the wedding (bride, groom, and everyone-else) state that they intend for the wedding to happen
she read a poem that was written before we got together but mythically implicated me; I read a short piece I'd written as a response to that poem both spoke to the meaning of our love and our commitment
also, at the end, we invited everyone to join us in singing I Will Be In Love, a song I've been gradually writing for years that speaks to my views on love
but our vows were simply: to have and to hold from this day forward, in gain and in loss, in fame and in insignificance, when blamed and when praised, in pleasure and in pain, until death do us part.
probably some people didn't even notice they weren't the classic vows: to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
the lines we swapped in are from the buddha, who calls them the "eight worldly winds"—the inevitable conditions that recur highlighting that while yes, obviously we like some experiences more than others, attempting to avoid unwanted states or cling to wanted ones doesn't work
a marriage vow is one thing: to be one, regardless of how the winds may blow. we named four dimensions, but the idea is that in any direction, our bond extends beyond the horizon out to infinity
we know of others who've written their own vows about how they want to love each other; in one case, friends enumerated 4 different vows about specific ways they were promising to have each others' backs, give constructive criticism, etc
but who knows how my spouse will need to be loved next year or next decade? we left that part to be discovered: "I intend to love you as my spouse; if it turns out my current strategies for that are inadequate, I intend to change my approach"
on a different level, it seems to us that having all of these specific vows is a distraction from the central singular vow of the wedding, which is about stepping into a shared unknown that you don't fully control
part of not starting from scratch with our vows is that we've been through enough in life to know that we can't simply reinvent everything—that getting married means that people and institutions will relate to us in terms of whatever marriage means to them
marriage is great—highly recommended. we're so flush with love now that we're trying to help all of our friends find life partners. may you find what you seek, and know that you've found it
